The funny, or more accurately, contradictory thing about university is it made me realize there is no meaning in life.
I’ve spent all of my schooling years in the country’s public education system believing there is one ultimate goal that all humanity share- a life purpose. To put it frankly, since the role of education is to brainwash batches and batches of students to become mindless drones of society like pigs for slaughter, I accepted there was only one life purpose- to work in the government sector and serve the nation. Life was simple: study my ass off, obtain a government- sponsored scholarship, work in the public sector as a high- ranking official, enjoy the prestige and pride the position will give me, and live the rest of my life happily ever after. End of story.
Yet, I ignored the signs screaming at me that something was off. In fact, I had ignored the signs all those years. The busyness, the ambition and the desperation to prove myself had barely given me any space to stop and ponder if that life purpose I had ascribed to was even suitable for me. I was stressed, burnt out and depressed. Worse of all, I felt not good enough. Leave me drowning in a sea of candidates with excellent academics, impressive portfolios and a sickening thirst to show off their capabilities, I felt not good enough. Inadequate. Unworthy. I was a wreck.
Come freshman year of university, I gave myself the chance (or more like I forced myself) to let go of the one life purpose I had dictated myself to ascribe to. I believed that perhaps, there was another purpose in life out there meant for me. And so into the wild I charged into, met as many new people as I could and gained as many new experiences as I would. I searched and searched and searched and searched, and came to the conclusion- there is no meaning in life. There is no such thing as ‘humanity’s life purpose’. All of us on this Earth just exist and live as we deem fit. Out of desperation to get rid of this nihilistic thinking, I convinced myself that perhaps there is a meaning, it is just that it has not been found yet.
However, that is just a total load of bullcrap, isn’t it? We change, our environments change, our values and what we hold dear change. What is the point of holding on to that one life purpose when everything in life, including us fragile human beings, are only just temporary matter in this time and space? This nihilism threw me into an empty black hole for days as its waves of utter despair flooded my mind in total darkness. (To continue reading go to Part 2: Nihilistic Existentialism)