Snippets of happiness in pain

I don’t believe time heals everything. Pain accumulates- head being all over the place, mini existential crisis, guys from the past, family and just trying to get my shit together. Time passes, but the pain is still there. It comes back to haunt you, again and again. My experience in counseling sessions last time taught me that it is better to just let your emotions flow and let them go. But these few days I forgot and I was suppressing them and trying to be okay when deep down I am not. 

---

The aftertaste of sake burns on the back of my throat

Leaving a fizzy punch of warmth on my tongue.

Pleasurable fire scorches its way through the path, 

Filling me 

with bursts of sunlight, joy and euphoria.

Someone pours my fifth glass of 

clear crystalline drink oozing with mahou.

I grinned

I giggled

I received the heavenly globet

And downed all of it in a single gulp.

“More!”

---

I hate this

To act like im ok

To 骗自己 im ok

But I’m not

I thought drinking will make me feel better

Guess not

What kind of feeling is this

I wanna destroy all these feelings, these emotions

With violence

Rip and kill, slaughter after slaughter

To feel in control again

But I cannot

I’m drowning

Overwhelmed by my own angry waves

Losing it.

---

“Claire, you okay?” a friend asked in concern when she saw me. I was sitting on the edge of the balcony, whisky in hand and swaying to some 80s rock. I bent over and saw how high up we were.

“I like the feeling of falling,” I grinned.

---

Life is like walking on tightrope. You are balancing on that thin rubber string, desperately trying to find your centre of gravity. You wobble a whole lot as you struggle to find that balance in life. A friend once put it this way- if you teeter sideways while moving forward (with the risk of falling), you are able to walk in a straight line. This is the beauty of life, I guess. To be able to appreciate the struggles as you adjust again and again when being put off balance; to accept perfection in imperfection; and to know that joy can go along with suffering. 

Then, you will grow.